It's not real.

I knew from the moment I laid eyes on him. It wasn't real, and I knew it, I knew it from the bottom of my heart, it was not real. I still demanded, I still urged, I still thought... that it was going to happen. That the sword in the stone was going to be taken out by someone else.

It wasn't fair, it never was, it always slapped me in the face. It was like the change was taking me away from everything by force, I never accepted things easily, I never accepted life, I never accepted the fact that I was going to die and live forever. I never wanted it to happen, I just ignored it, and until I finally realize that I can't chose my final fate.

All this time, I was waiting for their Karma to hit them, all this time, I was waiting for them to get what they deserve. But it never happened. They always got the guy, the life, and the friends everything I always wanted, but never got. And my only comfort was the fact that Karma was going to happen to them, but it never did. They never got what they deserved. They never once regretted what they did, their tears mourn for the things that aren't even worth crying over.

I was weak, I was fragile, I was broken and no one was to fix me. I couldn't make my own Karma, could I? That would only mean, I would get the backlash and they wouldn't.

Why? Why didn't they get what they knew they deserved, why couldn't they... they just have something terrible happen to them. Why couldn't their Aunt be bi-polar, why couldn't their father kill someone with their car, why couldn't their uncle died leaving his only daughter with his crazed ex-wife, why couldn't they be depressed, why couldn't they feel what I feel, why couldn't they died inside like I did, why couldn't they commit suicide, why couldn't they just DIE, why couldn't their best friend move away, why couldn't their boyfriend use them and then leave them? Why not? Make their friend suffer and FINALLY get their fucking Karma.

Could anyone tell me that? WHY THE FUCK NOT? Is it fate? Does God not think I'm worthy of having peace within me? Why do they think they can get away with anything. They all have their hardships, but could your life change within a spand of three days? No, not that quickly.

It didn't happen to her, it didn't happen to him, it didn't happen to anyone who scorn me and so many others! They didn't get what they deserve! WHY NOT? Was it just because? What could possibly happen next? Huh?! What else does life have to throw at me? What else could you possibly do? Who's next? If one more person dies, I'm gone, living in South Carolina with Dr. Pepper and AbFab.

But no, God doesn't want that, I'm supposed to have a future right? I'm supposed to die soon, right? I'm not supposed to be able to drive, huh!? Right? Am I right? It's supposed to be all over before that, before someone actually loves me and HOLDS me.

But that's too much right? Too much to ask. Too much to ask God, I see how it goes. Everyone else gets what they want, but I, me, myself, does not get anything. The short end of the stick. Eventually everyone finds love, but me? No, I will never be able to fall in love, ever.

And it's all because of Karma.