Disappointment

I can't help but feel a little bit saddened when I didn't get what I really wanted. I mean I had the best time of my life but I'm still disappointed, why is that? I mean I danced all night long and yet I left feeling something in my night was missing and I can't get that missing piece yet because someone won't let me. My heart, it won't let me chase after something that will disappoint me in the end and I can't feel it too, but my heart is too weak to deal with this heartache. Lately, inspiration has been lacking because I don't have anything to inspire on, I'm so lost and I can't write and I feel as if though I have no one to live for anymore. But I know that's not what my heart was saying.

It was telling me to go for it, but I'm a chicken and I left the place in pure disappointment. He doesn't like me anyway, right? So what would the use be? I can feel my life draining because my heart is broken, is that even possible? To feel such angst about one thing, I kind of wish things were different but my heart wouldn't let me. And now I can feel the pain that caught up with me, I feel like crying because I have no one and just knowing that he's not the one for me, makes me feel pointless. And I don't want to find another, I want someone that will make me happy. Will he make me happy? Yes, but my friend says he doesn't deserve me, is that true my reader? If he can't see the better good in me, I should drop him like a hot potato? Easy for you to say, I can't just let go of something like that, I'm so attached to him I can't even think straight without him popping into my mind. I can't even vent straight without thinking about him, and just him and me. I feel so alone and my heart is sore and tired of this crap.

And the worse part is that I can't even explain my pain, I can't explain how this feeling my throat is, I can't explain how I want to cry over him and I can't explain my need for him. And that if he died I would show dedication and die alone with him because I love him that much. But he doesn't know and no one knows, and no one but you will know because you have no idea what I'm talking about and you can't make assumptions about something you have no idea about. For all you know I could be talking about one night guy, but I'm not, I could be talking about possibilities guy, but I'm not, I could be talking about far away guy, but you know I'm not. I'm talking about the one boy that can only charm me in such ways that I'd probably do anything he'd ask me to do because I will always fall for his charm. I swoon at the sight of his eyes, and I sigh at the thought of his voice and I feel on a cloud when he is near me. This has to be love, there is nothing else that could make a human being like me know, I feel so trapped and alone. I need him, I love him, but fate won't let me have him. The torture of loving someone so close to the touch yet so far in the heart is pure internal and external pain. I love him and there's nothing I can do about it except accept it.

But I don't want to because that would mean he makes me vulnerable and he is the one that can penetrate my heart in such ways that I'll surely kill myself if he says he does not love me. So this is why I stay away from him, it is because my heart is breaking every time I look his way. I need him, but he doesn't want me, oh what am I to do? Move on? You can't honestly expect me to move on so quickly it takes time but everyday I see him, and fall straight back in love with him every time I look at his eyes. Love, it does exists, but it is hard to find and even harder to keep. Sometimes there are those, like myself, who do not wish to love because of the pain they feel, but they cannot take it out on the lover because they don't know of the pain I feel. So, yes, my feelings are scattered about and I can't think straight anymore, all because of my heart. I must have him or I will die of heart failure but he will not come to the rescue for me because he does not know of the pain I feel. And the angst I deal with everyday, all because of my heart, it betrayed me and I will die because of it.

My heart will not change, ever, because of him. I wish I never knew him, no I don't because then I'd be just as lost right now. Love, such a heart-breaking thing. And I hate it.