My Obsession

At first, he was just some one to fill the emptiness inside of me, it was true, it was never meant to grow into deeper feelings. But after a while, I began to forget that he was just someone I choose to like and not someone that I thought was cute or had a great personality. If fact, it was the complete opposite, at first I hated him and his personality but I was looking for someone to fill the empty void in my heart.

Then I became obsessed with him, why didn't anyone tell me about this? More importantly did anyone notice that my crush was more an obsession then anything else? How did I not notice this before, it took a damn book on the internet to figure this out! A fanfic no less! Strange enough the love story about loving someone not for their looks or outer views, but the love and person they can offer. My love, no, obsession was based purely on looks, not even, it was just a shallow void filling feeling. And you want to know the best part? I still felt empty, even with him held in my heart, I felt a piece of me was missing, because I gave him my heart. I practically handed it over unknowingly and he will never know the love I had for him, I cannot speak his name for fear of someone findind out and telling him.

And now it goes to my current dilema, I know he's still there somewhere, but I no longer look for him in rooms full of faces, I no longer hope he is at the mall or other places, no longer do I wish he was beside me in my bed, no longer do I dream of being his.

Not anymore, was it true that I let someone else fall through the crack though? How could I do that? Why did I do that to him? I love him, and I know I am speaking the truth, but it was conditional, I loved him like no other, like an obsession. I just came to that realization just now. True, there is a fine line between love and obsession, but did I happen to erase that line as the romance novel said? Did I just throw away all cautions to the wind and decided that because I choose him, I would love him no matter what? Like some pet or something? Why did I do that? Why did I promise myself I would never loose hope? Why would anyone ever let themselves do that? Who was stupid enough to love someone so faithfully?

And now I don't allow myself to think of anyone else this way because, I am not afraid, but frightened of the fact that I might actually fall in love with this one too. My heart clentches at this thought, I can't believe I let him fall.

How could I be so stupid? There was someone so great out there for me, and I choose him? Why did I do that? I didn't want him to be my one and only, I never thought of him like that, I just thought of the love I wanted and somehow he became that. And he's not even like that!

What did I do?! And now all I want to know is how long did I let this other guy fall through? How long did he yearn for me? Now I feel guilt.

Now I feel regret.