Wishing

It is time like these when I fear that I've made a mistake. I don't know what mistake it was or when I did it but I know I made a mistake. It seems so unfair at times, the things I do, why I do it. Half the time I don't even know what I'm talking about. I let my feelings get in the way of everything; they never ceased to banish me. I feel so alone, I'm so needy at times. I must having some type of attention or I'll explode. I have this need for someone, stronger then anything I've ever felt before; sure it may sound crazy but it's true. I'm torn between what I want and who I deserve. Why does everything I want seem to be already taken away from me? But then again, I don't really have it in the first place. A fling, that's what it was, just a short time and I could fall head over heels in love with someone and out of love at the same time. Most of the time it doesn't seem fair, but in reality, when has life ever been fair?

Fairness, was it really fair to do anything with him? I basically lead him on, I lead myself on too. I was in the world where if I wasn't loved, I couldn't be happy; but I was always loved. And it took me this long to figure it out. I am always loved, no matter what. I am still loved, even if I hurt myself purposely, I am still loved. I have been so blind in this world, fixed on having a certain image and state of mind I lost myself. Love yourself, I always tried but now I believe I love myself a little more. If I would have to marry, I would marry myself so I wouldn't have to go through all those difficult phases couples go through. I don't want to deal with that, and before I was talking about being alone and having no one to love, but I know I do somewhere.

Kidding, just kidding. Everyone yearns for that partner in life and may be someday you'll find them. Maybe I'll find mine soon. If I had one chance to save my life or to live forever, I would choose life because your companion can't life with you forever.

I've been given so many second chances in life that I don't deserve. And yet, I got it. My one chance, only one chance, how would I spend it? I don't ever think about the future, when I'm dead because I'd be afraid of myself. And that's the reality of things, given and taken, yes I said given. And take and fake and take. People are so greedy.

I'm glad I'm given.

This blog entry was hand-written three months ago and at those times, which actually are same right now, the conditions and the feelings that I felt are the same and I actually felt what I was feeling that day when I was scribbling down my chicken scratch on paper. Trust me, it's hard to figure out what I was originally writting that day since my hand-writting is horrible, I tried my best to write out (and make sure it made sense to you) what it said.